Monday, March 31, 2014

One Day Can Change Everything

I am actually debating with myself on whether or not to write this as it is a very personal thing and I always wanted the blog to be more about general sharing, besides of the food reviews. But there are many times when it just gets too heavy, and as hard as it is to explain, there's a part of me who wanted to include her in the blog.

Earlier last year, I lost one of my very best friend. It was shockingly. Even until this very day, everything still seems so surreal. Even until this very second, I still can't believe she's gone. 

I chose to not share on the how but I will always remember that morning, March 16th 2013, I woke up and as usual, grabbed my Blackberry to see any unread messages and I literally screamed when I opened the bbm from my bestie's little brother, "Ci, Ci F passed away" sent 04.23am. As I was dialing her brother's mobile, my mind was messed up, I remember a part of me was thinking that it was a stupid stupid joke my bestie did, that she somehow thinks it would be funny to prank me like this. The denial part of me kept thinking that way as I waited for her brother to pick up the phone, but as I heard Hello and the chronology shared, I fell into silence, slowly as my brain started to digest that it was not a prank, I started to cry. Hard. I was hysterical.

I remember how my phone beeping constantly, bbm, incoming calls, almost all our friends changed their bbm status to RIP, some even changed their profile pictures to her pic. I remember I chose to keep my phone away for few days. Seeing all those RIP status and her pictures every time I opened my bbm contacts was just... unbearable. For quite some time, everything just seem so fucked up. I really can't pull it off. Guilt, sad, sorry, angry, I couldn't understand why her life was that short.

We have been best friend for 17 years, since we were paired to sit together in class on junior high. We graduated high school together, enter the same college, took the same major and sat together in almost all classes. There was just too many memories. She was with me for almost two decades, hell she was my bridesmaid and a very very good friend, hilariously funny, the joker in our group and she was a loyal friend. I remember when I was hospitalized, she rushed to go see me the moment she heard and she can't even drive, so she took bus and the hospital was not even close to where she worked.

I have thought on pouring this in writing many times, to just let it out, hoping that somehow it will be lighter, but many times I simply can't. Like I said, there are times when it gets heavy, particularly this month. I just cannot believe it has been a year since she left.
Generally speaking, I am okay, I would like to believe she is in better place now. Though honestly, I think no one will ever be really okay after being left by someone they care about. There will always be that ache in your heart, which slowly with the time passes, the ache might faded, you might be no longer burst in tears every time you think of the late, but somehow you will always feel that the ache is still there. And by you, I mean me. 

It's scary to think what one day can do and how unpredictable life is.

Rest in peace, my partner in crime. You'll always be missed.


Stacia Ho said...

Stay strong .. :)

Fellexandro Ruby said...

My condolences. Hang in there Ivy. All is well =)

Ivy said...

Thank you

widi sujarwo said...

'I think no one will ever be really okay after being left by someone they care about.'
that's totally true dear.. but somehow i can tell that u wont even ever realize that 'its been 10 years already when he/she left me' and u just cant believe that after all these years the pain is still there.. and time just gone too fast for you to realized.. believe me.. i've been there..